Shannon Gormley

Project Manager

[NOTE: We invited everyone to submit their own bios to ensure accuracy. The following comes under the general heading of “be careful what you ask for”.]

“The details of my life are quite inconsequential… Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds – pretty standard really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically taught me project management. There really is nothing like running a tidy project… It’s breathtaking – I highly suggest you try it.”

[ANOTHER NOTE: This all sounds vaguely familiar, but Shannon insists it’s her story.]